Taking a Shame Shower
Last week on the Comfortably Uncomfortable Podcast we interviewed Dr. Madeline William. A lifelong friend, client, and psychologist. Full episode details are on the podcast blog page but I wanted to share a bit more of my personal take away.
We started the episode using Brene Brown’s definition of Shame: “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something we have failed to do makes us feel unworthy of connection.”
I loved that Maddie helped us work through the steps to convert shame in to guilt and deal with it. It’s a feeling I think we all have struggled with at different points in our lives, whether we know it or not. Certainly not just reserved for the postpartum time but that of course that feels very relevant and poignant here. Whether it’s shame because you don’t think you know how to take care of a new baby, anxiety, depression, physically like leaking, healing your core and abdominal separation, or just not participating in activities you used to be able to without thinking twice.
For me, it’s a shame of not healing as fast as some of my clients do. I have struggled with pelvic floor strength for years now. There was so much damage, and it takes a long time to repair. But I have a hard time giving myself the grace, the way I ask my clients to give it to themselves… Everyone’s body, pregnancy and labor is different. Universal truths should not be applied when talking about recovery, and IT’S OK to be at your own pace.
Here are Maddie’s 3 steps for dealing with shame:
Name it and speak it - tell yourself or someone you are close to that you are “sitting on the floor of the shame shower” or tap on your head to check in. Open the door and pull away the power of the shame. It’s not who you are it is what you are dealing with. You have to acknowledge that the shame exists in order to deal with it.
Shift it to guilt, a more manageable emotion. This allows you to focus on your behavior or the action.
Rewrite the story. It may turn into some grief but try to allow that grief in, recognize it, thank yourself for the self awareness and determine the best way to move on.
Whether we are discussing physical or mental healing, building the awareness is the first step and then you find the blocks to build back. It’s amazing the similarities and parallel paths that I see with postpartum recovery exercise and mental health. Providing clients the awareness and the ability to acknowledge discomforts, and the patience to work through their concerns, really wonderful things can happen! Building the foundational strength if everything, and it’s necessary to start there and make incremental adjustments.
Are you ready to take some baby steps with me? Maybe that means a free 15 minute call, maybe that is signing up for the online course, maybe it’s taking time to give yourself 5 minutes to breathe and be alone. Whatever that means for you, I hope you embrace it, take that shame shower and allow yourself to move on!
xo, Alex
