Ep 5: The one with Dr. Madeline William
So excited today to introduce Dr. Madeline William of Adapt Psychological Services. She helps clients deepen their sense of meaning and purpose in daily life. She is particularly passionate about helping the Autism community, both adults and children. We ask Maddie her why, for today, her life driver as a psychologist or mother. Her why today is personal, as a friend of Alex’s and the journey that they have both been on together. She jumps into how it is such a raw time in life, starting a business, being a new second time mom and and trying to maintain a level of presence and mindfulness. She feels she has meaning coming out of her pores these days, it is everywhere as she spends time with her kids, husband and new practice. Being real with her kids, and patient. It’s easier to be passionate about work. With kids it’s more difficult to manage but with work her brain just knows what to do, having done it for so much longer than being a mom. Sandy interprets her why as wanting to be a role model for her kids, a strong woman, a working mom, being there for them and then also knowing that every aspect of your life isn’t going to go well and adapt.
We are talking about shame today and we use Brene Brown’s definition of Shame: “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something we have failed to do makes us feel unworthy of connection.” Shame is a label, a hat you put on. No matter what other hats you try on, if you have shame, you can’t cover it up. It is something you have told yourself or others have told you you are and have internalized.
How does shame play in with clients, how do you address this? Something has made them feel uniquely flawed or bad. It feels there is little separation. Maddie addresses Guilt vs Shame - because guilt has everything to do with your behavior and shame has everything to do with who you are or your perception of who you inherently are. Example, if you forgot your friend's birthday, guilt looks like feeling bad about it and finding a way to make it up to them. Shame is thinking that because of this you are a terrible friend and person and it will tear you apart and you have to live with the feeling without option for reparation. Shame happens regardless of the type of person you are, you can’t hide from it.
We ask Maddie to tell us about her shame. Because she is a psychologist does that mean she can deal with any emotion her kids throw at her or that she is the most patient person in the world? Shame has come up in many life phases recently - pregnant, new mom, toddlers. Tying shame with her body feels most accessible to her at the moment. If you have another condition or diagnosis of another kind you don’t necessarily have to disclose that but when you are pregnant, your clients know. You are wearing it on the outside.
She didn’t do much to repair after her first pregnancy, just got back into running and the activities she loved felt fairly straight forward. Running is an identity for her, she loves it, and it completely energizes her so she just kept it up. After her second it felt impossible to get back into high impact work.
She believes it must be fairly common (it is) that women realize for the first time that they maybe don’t know how to engage their core like they thought. Their hips and glutes can go for days but if it’s up to their pelvic floor and lower abdominal muscles to stop them from peeing themselves, it’s not happening. Not feeling that she was the person she thought she was because she couldn’t do those high intensity movements any more. She didn’t feel like herself anymore. She didn’t deserve to be considered a runner anymore.
Shame shower. When she would look at others running on instagram as a part of her running club, she felt a wave of shame that she couldn’t do that anymore, feeling she wasn’t actually that person. When you feel you have lost your identity there seems to be a higher risk of shame. Losing your badge of honor in a way, losing people’s admiration or jealousy that I could do something they could not.
Sandy can identify with that from when she stopped doing gymnastics. No one was asking her to perform anymore and she couldn’t impress them and felt she lost her identity. Hopefully we mature in to a more self grounded place where we identify what we value not just what people tell you you are.
When something like running, moves from impressing to loving and truly valuing it becomes even harder, Maddie built up miles and endurance and could go on a run anywhere. Her body can’t do that for her right now, and it’s a hard feeling to overcome.
When you become a mother, you get a new identity label and there is huge shame in thinking “what if I don’t want that to be my main identity?”. You have other loves and passions that used to be your identity.
Everyone wants to put people in boxes, like the question, “what do you do?”. In Sandy’s world she jokes that everyone has a slash - I’m a coach, I’m an actor, I’m a teacher, I’m a mom, we don’t understand that someone could be fluid. You are a mom but you are also an athlete, a psychologist, a runner, etc.
Type of therapy called commitment and action therapy. One concept is, self as content vs self as context. Putting yourself in a box is self as content “I am X”. Self as context is that fluid ability to be the slash, you don’t have to be on either side. Think about what your values are and what brings you purpose in that context.
Example when Maddie needs a minute out of the house, she and her husband have an understanding that they can take a minute when they need. She will leave and go be a runner and entering back into mom context may require a deep breathe and reset.
3 shame reducing tips:
Name it and speak it - “sitting on the floor of the shame shower” or tapping on your head. Open the door and pull away the power. It’s not who you are it is what you are dealing with.
Shift it to guilt, a more manageable emotion. Focus on your behavior or the action.
Rewrite the story. It may turn into some grief
The awareness is the first step and then you find the blocks to build back. When Alex and Maddie were working together, Maddie was and still is constantly aware of the muscles engaging and how her body is responding to different movements and improving bit by bit.
So much shame in the process because she never thought she would be there and have to ask for support. Fixing the problem solves shame but if you are having trouble fixing it then taking these steps of naming it and converting and sharing with trusted people is important.
Challenge: #cushame tag us and name your shame, shift your shame, and get support to rewrite your story.
Find Dr. Madeline William: www.adaptpsych.com
DISCLAIMER: Madeline’s thoughts and views are informed by her training and work as a psychologist. Please consult a personal counselor or therapist of your own for ongoing guidance and support related to mental health concerns.
